NIW 2023 – Be an ally, every day: Listen
As part of National Inclusion Week, we’re focusing on how you can listen, learn and advocate for others so we can all feel a sense of belonging.
Listen
Listening to people from underrepresented communities helps to deepen our understanding of other people’s lived experiences. The REACH network recently asked CUK colleagues to share real life examples of subtle acts of exclusion, also known as microaggressions.
Subtle acts of exclusion
Many of us can recall moments when we felt left out, unwelcome, or excluded. Microaggressions are subtle comments that may seem insignificant but they can have a profound effect on someone’s sense of belonging. Crucially, the person saying it often has no idea the affect it has.
Thank you to everyone who participated in this project; all of your contributions were valued and gratefully received.
“You grew up in Manchester but went to uni in Southampton. But where are you really from?”
My parents were born in the UK, as am I. I found it intrusive having to explain my genetic makeup to a stranger.
“What do you mean you don’t feel like you can hold hands with your girlfriend? It’s 2023, I don’t think people care about that stuff anymore.”
I find it frustrating when people dismiss my lived experience, when they’ve never gone through it themselves.
“You’re getting married? Congrats! It’ll be time to have a baby soon!”
This made me feel really uncomfortable, although I know they didn’t mean it in a bad way.
“I’ll never be able to say your name. Can I just call you John?”
Other than my family and community, people never call me by my actual name. I get tired of constantly having to correct people.
“You don’t look over 18!”
I’ve often felt looked down upon because of my appearance as a young female, particularly in the early stages of my career. These are small examples, and I have others that are more hurtful and personal of being made to feel like the silly child because of the way I look.
These individual examples may appear trivial, but their overall impact can become significant, particularly when underrepresented communities receive lots of similar comments from different people.
What can you do?
The tricky thing about subtle acts of exclusion is that they are mostly unconscious — which means it’s much more important to be mindful of where, when, and how you ask questions about someone’s identity. So, where can you start?
- Asking someone where they’re from isn’t inherently wrong, but it can make people feel like an outsider. Instead, build a connection first and let them share their background if they are comfortable.
- Avoid making assumptions about how someone should feel or react to a situation. Just because you haven’t personally experienced it, it doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
- Stay curious. Show a willing to understand new perspectives by asking open questions.
- Know that you’ll make mistakes. We’re all human and have all said things without thinking.
- Avoid making comments, such as ‘when are you having a baby?’ that places pressure on people to reveal information prematurely.
- Be mindful of comments that reinforce gender stereotypes, such as ‘man up’.
- If someone tells you their name, don’t be afraid to ask for clarification if you’re unsure. People appreciate the effort.
- Consider the challenges that other people have faced and the experiences that have shaped them.
Don’t miss out
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3 Comments
I think this is a great piece as it demonstrates some of the many Microaggressions that I face daily. I was at a Saints match recently and a very nice gentleman asked where I was from, I responded Nottingham but now live in Southampton. He then asked “but where are you really from? Where are your parents from?” I responded, I was born here and my parents were also born here. He was shocked to hear this and his son came to my defence or it at least he thought he was and told the gentleman (his farther) that there are many coloured people here that were born in the UK.
This sounded good at first but he went on to say that many of us are Drs, scientist and mathematicians and not so many are cleaners although many coloureds still are!?
I honestly didn’t have any words!! Hahaa
Anyway, I think it’s important to have open dialogue in order for people to learn and know when they are being offensive without knowing.
I work with Southamptons Black History company and can assist with helping to spread the word or provide information for inclusion and diversity workshops in Carnival if needed.
For myself to think positive, any comments any questions about where I came from, etc I always reply back by Joke.if you always think they are over limits questions than they time to tell them by polite way. That is it, make your life full of wonderful colours in this ship.
I was asked once where i was from and said “hove” and then the guy insisted but where are you really from. There is a Ted Talk called “where are you local” which is brilliant in regard to this. Ms Selasi’s Ted Talk “don’t ask me where I am from. Ask me where I am local”. I really recommend listening to her. Like Ms Selasi points out, “I am not married to the sovereign statehood state” and having lived in so many places took on local habits from everywhre and my experience is based on local relatinships.